Monday, October 8, 2012

My Handwriting Isnt Any Better

My Handwriting Isnt Any Better 

I hate your handwriting.
I hate the way you inconsistently punctuate text messages and occasionally correct misspellings.
I hate that “how are you?” is never what comes to mind when youre done disclosing every detail of your day.
I hate that you don’t wear cologne and still manage to smell like candy and craving.
I hate knowing that you’ll never bring me home to your mother.
I hate that your family terrifies me because they are broken worse than my own.

I bet that given your situation, your mother is a bitch.
I bet she is bitter on top of being all of the things I hate about you.
I bet youll be poor and irresponsible for as long as you live.
I bet you’ll never make it as a writer. Not because you arent good enough, but because you’ve never been well-behaved enough to learn the rules.
I bet you will stop singing when you realize that im the only person who loves it when you do.

I hate that I cant imagine your voice in my mind, even seconds after you leave me.
I hate that I anticipate hearing you with so much vivacity that I cant eat.
I hate that when I do hear you, I am suddenly full.
I hate that  we cant listen to country because your exgirlfriend did and you cant help but remember.
I hate that you show no inclination of remembering singing Jimmy Buffet with me before you knew her.
I hate that you don’t call me Reba anymore.
I hate that song “Country Roads”  because every time I hear it I am forced back to a time when it felt like you enjoyed me.
I hate how desperately I want to taste you and rebellion again.
I hate my passanger’s seat because you are the only person that matters who has ever sat there.

I bet that that you have never noticed I have a scratch-off ticket you won two dollars on above my driving visor.
I bet you don’t know that I cry every single time I see that picture of you taking a picture of me.
I bet you never even thought about asking me about the girl in the picture of a girl taking a picture of a boy, when you know damn well what id give to know the story behind the boy taking a picture of a girl.
I bet you don’t even want to know me.

I love that you told me every story you could about a boy in a picture of a boy taking a picture of a girl.
I love that I know why some of your stories are lies.

I hate that you constantly lie to me and I still think youre the most honest person I know.
I hate that I lie to you.
I hate that that one girl is not the only person I have bribed to be nice to you.
I hate that ive convinced everyone at work youre a douchebag by exposing you to them entirely, and I told you think no one knows.
I hate that I said I didn’t want to date you almost as much as I hate you for believing me.
I hate that I told you I wanst hurting myself when I was.
I hate that I convinced you my failures had nothing to do with you.
I hate that I told you I’d been in love once because I convinced you it was with someone other than you.
I hate that I told you I would be fine all three times you broke my heart.
I hate pretending I don’t remember everything you’ve ever told me.
I hate when anyone says your name.
I hate that you feel so much closer to so many strangers.

Im surprised by how close you get to me sometimes.
I am surprised by how much you do know about me.
I am surprised that despite the fact youre always judging me you haven’t abandoned my logic yet.
I am surprised by how much you let me hold your hypocrisy against you when we both know you get it from me.
I am surprised by how much you think you have a right to call me out on.
I am surprised by how often you respect my secrets.
I am surprised you haven’t noticed that I am the only person who will ever love you like this.

I hate that no one understands how I love you.
I hate how isolating supporting you has become.
I hate that my friends wont hear about you hurting me anymore.
I hate that id prefer to let you hurt me than have a world of people to help me heal.
I hate that having you has forced me to have secrets of my own.
I hate myself for putting you before my friends.
I hate you for thinking we are friends.
I hate you for making me so selfless.

I wish that I wanted to feel good with you.
I wish that making you feel good didn’t make me feel better than cumming ever has.
I wish that you offered to reciprocate sometimes.
I wish that you understood that I want to make you happy more than I have ever wanted anything.

I hate myself for wishing you the best with someone who I knew would never love you like I could.
I hate that your happiness is and always has been pivotal.
I hate that I cant go a day without missing you.
I hate that I honestly believe you’ve never missed me.
I hate that I didn’t start loving you earlier.
I hate that you knew me before I knew you.
I hate that I wish you had already been my first and I  loved you longer and younger.
I hate that I wasn’t your first.

I wish that I could have told you I was ready.
I wish that I could have taken some innitative and kissed you.
I wish you thought to kiss me.
I wish we cuddled.
I wish I could have left your hand on my thigh.
I wish I could have told you I trusted you instead of being so scared.
I wish I could have surrendered to you and let you prove your good character.
I wish you hadn’t said you used me- even though we both already knew you had.
I wish being used by you bothered me enough to stop wanting you.
I wish we had sex.

I love you for wanting to have sex with me.
I hate you for wanting to have sex with me.
I hate how good you feel to me and I love how effortless I am for you.
I love you for not filtering what you say to me.
I hate you for not filtering what you say to me.
I love hating you.

I love you.
I love you for being.
I love you for being who you are.
I love you for being who you are to me.
But I fucking hate who you are to me.